picked a handful of violets in my name

21 Days of Dreamwidth

( Since I'll be offline for a few days, I should get ahead. )

Side Effect: May Cause FEELINGS

So I have a question for the people out there who are not congenitally depressed.

Sometimes I experience semi-random happiness, where I'm just having a nice day and everything is kinda shiny and it's good to be alive. Sometimes I get enormously ragey over stuff that doesn't seem to merit serious RAEG.

And both of those ~~feelings~~ are pretty obviously tied to my meds (along with an increase in ability to Get Shit Done and a decrease in memory function). My question is: do I finally, after 20 years of being depressed, have a reasonable range of emotions?

Plans

Boston MCR show tomorrow night; I'll be in line during the day. Meeting with tuesdaysgone Friday morning for a ride to PA and another MCR show. Assuming the gods of train schedules smile upon me, I should be back in Boston in time for the SlutWalk. (Fingers crossed I can make all my transit connections.) And then there is the DC concert. Wheeeeeee.

Well, internets, I am definitely experiencing a depressive episode that exceeds my medication's ability to compensate. :(

There are definitely some external components. Not sure if that makes me feel better or worse than Completely Random Brain Fuckery. I am probably experiencing a very extended sort of con drop, because I had 3+ weeks of New Orleans and parents and Doing All Of The Things (research, eating, shopping), 24 hours in Boston in which I had to Do All Of The Other Things (unpack, repack, work most of a day), then the con, and then more parents (they came up to Boston for a week to visit Ellie, so I got a few extra days with them post-con). Nothing to do but go to work, and I'm still part-time until the 5th.

( It is also approaching five years since I was raped. (formulated to be hypo-trigger-genic) )

I am dwelling on it because I promised to make an item for shadesong's Blogathon auction (I made three things last year). She always blogs for BARCC, but the theme for this year's items is the strength/resilience of survivors. I have no idea what I'm going to make, and the openness of the theme doesn't actually help (last year, I used shadesong's fiction for prompts).

( I probably should have made the Blogathon piece while I was in New Orleans. (there are some details here, maybe triggers) )

So my plan for the rest of the afternoon had been to catch up on my dreamroll, which I have not checked since Friday because spoons, but I think what I will actually do after I post this is play with my boxes of beads and whatnot. See what comes up.

I still have the same sore throat/cough/congestion that I’ve been dealing with for-fucking-ever. Argh. I’ve been sleeping twelve hours a day and not getting any better.

And that sleep schedule makes it really fucking hard to take my meds twice a day like I’m supposed to. Wellbutrin makes it harder for me to fall asleep, so I don’t take it within a couple of hours of when I plan to go to bed. Then I ran out and ran into insurance problems. I did get a partial refill that will get me through Monday, by which time the insurance bullshit ought to be sorted.

So it’s been a shitty few days. I didn’t spend as much time with Cory as I might have otherwise, and I’ve been doing a whole lot of nothing. I did manage to get a Wordpress blog set up, and I did a crapload of behind-the-scenes stuff on all parts of my site (managed to fix the problem where trying to access sofiaviolet.com/foo without the trailing slash redirected to sofiaviolet.nfshost.com/foo/, and now I don’t have ten thousand files all called index.html), and I added little bits of stuff and fixed broken links at Auriel. Because that’s all I can accomplish when I feel blah. (I did a huge amount of the work on my site when I was depressed last year. I’d work until the wee hours, and then not get up for class. *headdesk*)

I set my alarm clock today. Got up three minutes before it went off. \o/ I’ll get up even earlier tomorrow, and on Monday I’ll be able to make it to class!

Originally published at The Love Letter Sessions. You can comment here or there.