:(

[sofiaviolet]

Well, internets, I am definitely experiencing a depressive episode that exceeds my medication's ability to compensate. :(

There are definitely some external components. Not sure if that makes me feel better or worse than Completely Random Brain Fuckery. I am probably experiencing a very extended sort of con drop, because I had 3+ weeks of New Orleans and parents and Doing All Of The Things (research, eating, shopping), 24 hours in Boston in which I had to Do All Of The Other Things (unpack, repack, work most of a day), then the con, and then more parents (they came up to Boston for a week to visit Ellie, so I got a few extra days with them post-con). Nothing to do but go to work, and I'm still part-time until the 5th.

It is also approaching five years since I was raped. Five years is a long time, and it is also less than a quarter of my life. I have lots of conflicting Feelings about this significant anniversary, and they can be roughly grouped as follows:

• It has been five years! Get over it already!
• It has been five years! You are allowed to still be fucked up!
• It has been five years! It is okay if you are okay!

The first one is fairly easy to dismiss, at least. I am grappling with the second (I am tired of my baggage and I want to at least hide it from people-who-are-not-me) and the third (I am actually kind of scared of being okay, okay? I don't get it either).

I am dwelling on it because I promised to make an item for shadesong's Blogathon auction (I made three things last year). She always blogs for BARCC, but the theme for this year's items is the strength/resilience of survivors. I have no idea what I'm going to make, and the openness of the theme doesn't actually help (last year, I used shadesong's fiction for prompts).

I probably should have made the Blogathon piece while I was in New Orleans. I brought a whole bunch of jewelry stuff with me, so it would've been possible. I could have hauled all of supplies up to my room and plonked myself down in the middle of the bed and made whatever came to mind and hand. (I'm amazed that I can sleep in that bed.) Same place - I probably could even have managed same time of day, late afternoon. But maybe it's a good thing I didn't - I would have been reaching for more bitterness than I am actually carrying around.

So my plan for the rest of the afternoon had been to catch up on my dreamroll, which I have not checked since Friday because spoons, but I think what I will actually do after I post this is play with my boxes of beads and whatnot. See what comes up.

Comments

[sofiaviolet]

No, but there is internalized bullshit. Ugh.

[cleverthylacine]

We all have that though.

In a way, if you've been raped, there's a small sort of consolation prize/advantage, IDK what to call it, because I'm not saying it's worth getting raped for at all. But. If you've been raped you at least get to see your internalised bullshit and become aware that you have some.

The thing about privilege isn't that a lot of the things privilege gives you are bad. They're not. I want everyone to have some of the things I have because of my privilege, and I really react very badly to the notion that everyone should act like they don't feel confident they have the right to speak because some people were robbed of that right to feel that way.

The thing about privilege is that it makes you IGNORANT of your own internalised bullshit. And of many things that are actually hurting you in small subtle ways. Like food that tastes good but is secretly quietly messing your body up, these beliefs serve you in the short term but fuck up your head over time. Suffering sucks, but it can and often does make you aware of these beliefs before the brain weasels have a chance to assume domination forever.

[sofiaviolet]

... I am going to chew on this for a while. *bookmarks comment, stars notification in gmail*

*stabs some brainweasels, too, for good measure*