Lazy Femme
Thursday, August 26th, 2010 20:34![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sofiavioletAs mentioned in this earlier post of mine:
I want to write about "lazy femme," which is what I call my gender presentation. In short: I like things like skirts and makeup, but I don't generally bother with these more effortful bits of gendered plumage.
I like femininity. I like pink and glitter and high heels and lace and whatever. That kind of stuff is fun to play with; I'm also attracted to femininity in other people.
I am not, however, very good at doing femininity. I lack makeup skills. My hair is long? And dyed? As for body hair, I remain uncommitted to the "fuck shaving!" stance, and shaving is the least of the evils and even that results in nasty razor burn half the time. Dresses are at least easier than skirts: less matching and coordinating required. I suck at walking in heels unless I'm really thinking about it. I could go on...
So, I'm not good at femininity past a certain level. And presenting as femme isn't that important to me, so I spend my efforts elsewhere. But I will still do that presentation, when I feel like it.
Sometimes the amount of effort I can expend on my presentation is curtailed by depression. I pushed myself to dress a lot more femme this summer; Doing Things can be good for managing my depression, and Doing Femme encouraged me to leave the house and Do Other Things (and Doing Other Things helped with the push to Do Femme). Ultimately, I would like to shift from this semi-binary method of managing my presentation, to a more general Thinking About Style every day.
My reaction to a New Het Relationship seems to be a desire to Be A Giant Girl. So when I visited C., I planned on doing femme full-time for a week. I packed one pair of jeans (the +8 Confidence pair, of course) - the rest was skirts and dresses. And absolutely zero practical shoes. I packed makeup! And then I arrived and it didn't matter. I never unpacked the makeup. I wore the dresses because that's what I had, but the need to be All Femme All The Time evaporated. It's not like we had some kind of serious discussion about my gender presentation, but he just seemed to have been expecting me-as-I-usually-am, and was a bit confused, though not displeased, about getting me-being-very-femme. My "how do I present today?" decisions were firmly back in my own hands. It was awesome.
Not that I'm done with my happy fun femme-y times! I am going to experiment with tights this year, to extend my skirt-wearing season into colder months. I am reading some femme blogs! I have not stopped buying skirts, nor have I disposed of my shoe collection; they continue to be very much loved even if they don't get as much wear as they perhaps should. I will continue to tweak my presentation as needed for my own happiness and comfort.
To sum up: I guess I'm kinda sorta femme? Why am I not more femme? Because it's haaaaaaard. Therefore: lazy femme. The end.*
* This is a really sketchy and disjointed post; there may be more later. For now, it is done, but please feel welcome to ask for any clarifications and expansions in the comments.
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Date: 2010-08-27 00:55 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-27 00:58 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-27 03:06 (UTC)When it's cold, I trade in my running shorts (worn under the skirts!) for tights and knee socks. Layers = good.
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Date: 2010-08-27 11:14 (UTC):\ Pants are the one thing I really have to try on, and I have a very stable body shape and size that is well-represented in stores. I can't imagine what it would be like for someone with more issues than "I can't tell on the hanger whether these are the right size." :(
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Date: 2010-08-27 17:45 (UTC)I feel like I should start taking pictures of my outfits. :) Generally I am too lazy, but it might be a good exercise for me. Especially since I found my wee tripod!
My fav. summer shoes are Keen sandals. Oh! Here's one outfit, sorta. Orange lineny 40s skirt, sandals, black tshirt, probably black hoodie. The rainy season is where I tend to go more dressy - I wear Dansko mary-janes a lot because I can walk in them all day and they keep me out of the water. My calves are too big for rain boots, and I really dislike wet pants. Ugh.
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Date: 2010-08-28 15:15 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-28 20:32 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-30 12:50 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-31 03:16 (UTC)Unsolicited
Date: 2010-08-27 05:34 (UTC)My wife is a complete and total femme who cannot wear heels for medical reasons, so we've devoted the last year and a half to finding sexy, cute, comfortable, femmey flats with great success. Having really cute, femmey flats is a great way to do femme-lite (which is what you seem to be going for here) without the pain (physical or mental).
Aliyah also wants to add that getting a new hairstyle (instead of a cut) can make you into more of a femme with less work. Having hair that always looks femme because that's the way it's supposed to look instead of requiring your time to do something to it works wonders. (I can provide pictorial evidence if that's required. Aliyah went through a long-hair phase with a series of styles that made her look like she had sex hair constantly; it was AWESOME.)
Re: Unsolicited
Date: 2010-08-27 11:20 (UTC)Flats with skirts works fine for me, but all my pants are too long (hence the collection of heels, quasi-wedges, and platforms). The real solution to this is to hem my goddamn pants.
As for hair, IDK. I'm usually okay with mine, but I'd love to see the photos anyway. Maybe they will prove inspiring! (My big Hair Project right now is getting purple hair to work in some capacity. Whee things I don't actually know how to do!)
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Date: 2010-08-27 12:08 (UTC)but all my pants are too long (hence the collection of heels, quasi-wedges, and platforms). The real solution to this is to hem my goddamn pants.
I'm sure it's a stupid question, but have you discovered ankle length? Aliyah is 5'3" with average legs, and she never thought to try on ankle length pants...but they are right for her! (My super short friend Sid is also a recent convert to the ankle length trouser.) Were I to wear trousers, I would pursue the ankle length. (But I don't wear trousers very often so it's a non-issue for me.)
but I'd love to see the photos anyway.
I never turn down a request to share pictures of my lovely wife!
Short hair suits her face and habits a lot better, but I do admit the era of long sex hair was great.
(My big Hair Project right now is getting purple hair to work in some capacity. Whee things I don't actually know how to do!)
Are we talking "purple like the background of your DW" or "some variation on burgundy"? Because to get your dark hair the color of your DW background, you'll need to bleach it for somewhere between an 30 minutes and two hours to get it close to a white blonde using a professional grade bleach (like Wella Wellite Powder Lightener or Clairol Basic White) mixed with a 20 volume developer, then dye over. (A bleach tip, if I may: check the bleach every 15-20 minutes by looking in the mirror. You'll actually see it lightening your hair, and you can see when your hair gets close to the color you want. It's really neat.) For the purple, you might find it with Manic Panic or Ben Nye...but I have no idea, actually. The brand I use isn't widely available, but it's got really good purple. (It's Creative Image Adore, if you stumble upon it.)
To maintain your color, you'll want to give up swimming and shampoo. A conditioner-only wash is the only good way to maintain bright, unnatural colors for more than a week.
If you are going for some variation on burgundy, the professional lines of Feria and Clairol's Miss Clairol have some good red-burgundy things that turn out something like this on dark hair, no bleaching necessary.
Either way, you need to hit up something like Sally Beauty Supply (or a local shop that has the same stock) to manage these adventures.
(I know way too freaking much about managing freakish hair colors. Obviously.)
Re: Unsolicited
Date: 2010-08-28 15:26 (UTC)Yay advice! I do mean actual purple - I sort of did the burgundy thing in high school and early college. I suspect this will require getting Ellie to help out, especially since I think I just want the one chuck of hair that always falls in my eyes. :)
Ooooh, I wish my hair would do that! It's dead straight, though.
Re: Unsolicited
Date: 2010-08-28 17:15 (UTC)especially since I think I just want the one chuck of hair that always falls in my eyes. :)
Clip or pin the hair around it back. When you have the bleach on that section, clip a plastic sandwich baggie or little pouch of sandwich wrap loosely around it and pin it to keep the bleach in and the world out. (I recommend the sandwich baggie, myself. That's how we do Aliyah's streak.) Do the same thing when you have the purple on your hair. It protects your face.
Re: Unsolicited
Date: 2010-08-28 19:32 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-27 08:43 (UTC)Anyway, disjointed! Like you say! But these are the thoughts I had.
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Date: 2010-08-27 11:50 (UTC)I think I'm conceptualizing it as a continuum because of how I've experienced some switching back and forth over my lifetime. As a small child, I would only wear skirts and dresses. I began wearing pants around 10-11 years* and went through a period of pants-only in which I always pulled my hair back into a ponytail. And now I am not only comfortable dressing from both sides of my own closet, I have the closet with more than one dimension of clothing.
* For the class musical, we were supposed to dress as hippies. Fortunately, this was a year that was in fashion. But the bell-bottoms I found and fell in love with were expensive; to get my parents to buy them, I had to promise to wear them.
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Date: 2010-08-27 13:58 (UTC)Ya'll actually vaguely femmey women must have a very different concept of what skirts are, because skirts are what I wear when I'm *not* putting in any effort. I have a collection of mid-calf to ankle length skirts that are wide enough to sit cross-legged in, and mostly have pockets. They are the best thing in the world. They're comfortable, they're easy to adapt to the weather with layers - I agree with the above about running shorts, tights, and knee socks, and if the skirt's long enough you can even get away with sweatpants - they're femme-y and don't read as baggy/slouchy, and yet concealing enough that I don't really have to worry at all about how I look under them (+1 much less likely to stain if I'm spotting), and the same skirt can be either super casual or semiformal business wear, depending on whether I wear it with a t-shirt and work boots or Mary Janes and a nice jacket.
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Date: 2010-08-27 17:57 (UTC)I prefer just-below-the-knee skirts, as I do things like hiking, trail running, cycling, and climbing fences and/or trees in them. This is why running shorts underneath are a must in the summer! I used to wear longer skirts, but they mostly got in the way. It's why I'm loving a fuller a-line skirt right now instead of my usual pencil skirts, too!
A nice thing is those just-below-the-knee exercise pants. Either gathered or loose at the cuff. They work really well under skirts, with or without knee socks.
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Date: 2010-08-30 13:02 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-28 15:34 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-28 16:58 (UTC)I also don't wear makeup as often as I used to (and I never wore it often) because I find that when I wear makeup I look my age, which is horrifying as most people wear it to look younger. I look younger without it because too much of it is damaging to the skin, so I don't look as old as people who wear it constantly.
Until I can actually afford a professional makeup consultation to find out how to wear makeup in a way that will make me look 28-30 as I normally do instead of 46, I'm not going to bother much. (Cue angry feminists telling me I should be proud I'm 46. I actually am proud I've lived this long, and I understand that the way people treat me when they can tell I'm 46 by looking is a social problem, but since I can avoid having to deal with that, I'm going to. Also 99% of men my own age annoy me because they don't understand about rape culture and enthusiastic consent and are set in their ways and resistant to being trained not to tease or generally annoy me and not to touch me or encroach on my space without my enthusiastic consent. I like it that I generally attract men who are young enough not to say horrible things about their ex-wives all the time and whose heads are still somewhat retractable from their anuses.)
IDK. I am never going to like my body hair and not shave because I have really dark hair and really light skin. I think a lot of people who are uniformly fair or dark look fine if they don't shave, but black hair + white skin? Is like, obvious from 20 feet away, and I don't want an obvious mustache because I am femme, not butch.
I also like my nails short.
So. I wear really cute, often impractical, designer flats and boots and low heels, and skirts and dresses, and not much makeup, and anyone who says I am not particularly femme because I don't wear stilettos and have claws and warpaint can go fuck themselves :)
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Date: 2010-08-28 20:26 (UTC)As for makeup and age, my mother likes mineral makeup, which seems to be much more widely available at many more price points than was the case when I started wearing it in high school. It also has the benefit of being pretty easy, at least for foundation.
I bite my nails, so they usually are pretty short, but I'm trying to keep them just a little longer. This has far less to do with my presentation than it does with my boyfriend and his fondness for being scratched.
... Seriously, wtf. You are, like, one of the femmest people I know.
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Date: 2010-08-29 15:56 (UTC)I have a very strong separation between work shoes and non-work shoes. For work, I wear Sensible Shoes. Period, because otherwise I won't feel like doing anything but soaking my feet at the end of the day, and that's been true since I was in my 20s. (When I was a teenager I could wear heels all day. But when I was a teenager I was also eating-disordered and I can only conclude from this that when I was a teenager, I did not listen to my body.)
Seriously, for being on your feet most of the day you want sensible shoes. They don't have to look like your grandma's shoes. Most of mine are Doc Martens' maryjanes. You can even wear those with lolita if you pick the right socks. (I have done this.) Look for shoes with a little padding on the heel because what causes heel blisters is the hard edge of the heel rubbing against your heel and achilles tendon. Make sure they are deep enough to accomodate your foot because another source of blisters is when the shoe opening is tight and cuts into your foot. It's best to try shoes on at the end of the day when your feet are a bit swollen; if they're comfy then they'll be comfy all day. I would recommend trying on shoes in a store (but not buying more than one pair at dept store prices) and then buying shoes on ebay once you know what size you are. Unfortunately sizes vary by brand. (I love the way Irregular Choice shoes look but have sold or given away most of mine because I have real trouble with their sizing--39 is too snug, and 40 falls off, wth.) Other good brands for work shoes are Trotters and Ros Hommerson. Drew shoes are comfortable but most of them are ugly as fuck; I need to get the one pair I have that are pretty and I like fixed stat. I also hear good things about Danskos but I don't own any.
I love Everybody by BZ Moda (not Everybody by alife) shoes lots, but the heels are not work-suitable, only the flats.
Ankle rolling is a danger with lower heels, it's true. Little Victorian boots don't cause this problem so much, but that's because the boot comes over your ankle and supports it. I can actually wear little Victorian boots to work. But I will never again wear them to the Folsom Street Fair. (omg agony--don't do this--the streets south of Market are painful to walk on unless you have nice thick soles on your shoes)
There are very few professional looking shoes or dressy shoes (other than sandals) that are comfortable to wear without socks or stockings. Very very few. That's why they make those nylon minisocks that cover only the part of your foot that goes inside the shoe.
Foot Petals (googlable) are also nice for shoes that rub. They're little pads that you can stick inside your shoes.
In addition, one of the reasons I hate peeptoe shoes like burning is that aside from the fact that I don't really want to see most people's toes and don't find it sexy at all, wearing them is awful because the heel tends to force your whole foot down and into the toe opening. If you like those, which is a total matter of taste, they should probably not be Work Shoes.
I've heard good things about mineral makeup and plan to try it soon. I hope it works.
Getting a manicure will put an end to the nail biting, although if you get fake nails you have to have the salon trim them and fill in the bottom as they grow. Fake nails are, well, fake, and I only had them once because I didn't feel they were clean enough for hospital work, plus they were hard to type with, but my real nails are short because they split easily into layers and then tear, so if I want to have them long at all they have to be fake. However I'm told that the advantage of fake nails for kink is that the edges are smooth, so you can scratch without drawing blood, and if you put your fingers inside someone else's body the nail edges will be smooth not jagged, meaning they will tear neither your latex/vinyl gloves (if desired) nor your partner's innards. If I was dating someone who was into nails I'd get short fake ones and keep them short with fairly frequent salon visits because my own won't grow that long (srsly, the number of times I have had to trim a nail with office scissors because it split boggles the mind) and are very sharp.
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Date: 2010-08-29 18:14 (UTC)True story: I wore peep-toe heels that were a full size too small to prom. /o\
I have the same problem with the layers of nail. :( I wish I knew what caused it. On the other hand (heh), my mother's nails are so strong she has used them for driving screws on occasion.
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Date: 2010-08-30 04:27 (UTC)I wonder what your mom eats that we don't.
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Date: 2010-08-30 13:04 (UTC)