(no subject)

Friday, October 28th, 2011 11:25
sofiaviolet: naked girl hugging her knees to her chest (girl)
Going to see Rasputina tonight with Cid and Daly, with possible trip to Good Vibes beforehand if the timing works out. :)

Right now, I am sitting at home with my hair under a plastic shower cap, slowly re-purpling. I'll wash it out soon and then probably hit the lunch buffet at Ghazal. I ♥ their lunch buffet so much: a nice big plate of chicken tikka masala and rice, a couple of pieces of bhatoora, and a whole basket of naan to myself. (I am by nature a grazer, but since I have trouble noticing I'm hungry and remembering to eat on a regular basis, the ability to eat large and less frequent meals is important.)

I'm pretty sure everyone reading this has already seen Hyperbole and a Half: Adventures in Depression, but I too must link it.
sofiaviolet: photo of a bird (birds for brains)
So I posted a while back that I was really stressed about something and then I didn't post anything for a while. Oops.

The stressful situation is resolving itself, both more quickly and more slowly than I might have expected. But at least I've stopped losing sleep over it.

I've pretty much just been going to class, going to work, and doing face-to-face social stuff. I'm not in a bad place, depression-wise, but I am not as active as I'd like to be. I think it comes down to recalibrating myself again: the structure of my life has changed quite a bit lately.

Grad school has a different feel to it. The good news is, I'm keeping up with readings and assignments much better than I managed in undergrad. But I need to train myself into spending a bit more time on campus being involved in groups and meeting people. (Tangential to grad school: I have already encountered a fellow student in the local kink scene. We spotted each other on FetLife, but have not yet managed to be at any of the same events.)

I have been more social within my pre-grad school contexts. I attended a couple of munches - someone has relaunched the munch for Mob New England, and someone else has started a munch for bi/queer/etc. women in relationships with men. I also spent a nice chunk of time with [personal profile] oration on his birthday. I hung out with him while he cleaned his house for the party (and then had to leave the party early because being there while Cid was cleaning had upset my lungs something fierce, and I didn't have my inhaler).

Plus my Battletech group is switching to Shadowrun. The character creation process is so involved, and our schedules have been so start-of-term hectic, that we've only played one mini-session so far (and only one of us had a proper character - I used a stock character from the rule book and Cid was using a character our GM made, I think). We had a nice character creation session on Cid's back porch last night - well, Cid was working on a character and I just went over for people-time and got a couple of questions answered.
sofiaviolet: several pairs of glasses sitting on a eye chart (glasses)
Hung out with [personal profile] pinesandmaples and [personal profile] rooibos this evening. They are awesome! We had a great time eating Indian food and getting to know each other by conversing as though we already knew each other. High point of my week, hands down.

I didn't sleep at all last night. Just a surprise attack of insomnia. It sucked. :( I am probably going to fall down go zzzz right after posting, because ugh. Also I am really stressed out lately and normally I would be all about the cathartic journal entries but these are somebody else's problems and they are really private and I am the only person they ever talk to about shit. At least when I was being a trainwreck I spread my misery around (using cathartic journal entries, of course!) so no single person was responsible for keeping me among the living and out of the hospital.

I mean, there probably will be locked cathartic journal entries but I do not have it in me to type this shit out tonight. I did email my mom though. Yay for moms!

[personal profile] tajasel: Darkroom Orgy Number Three
Comment with your account name. If you see someone who takes your fancy, leave them a message describing exactly what depraved and thoroughly rude things you would like to get up to with them. Anonymous commenting is enabled, so you can look at this as the Dreamwidth version of a darkroom orgy if you wish, and of course, link to this post if you want to encourage the free-flow of filth.
my thread

(no subject)

Wednesday, May 4th, 2011 23:35
sofiaviolet: "I shall not live in vain." -Emily Dickinson (Emily Dickinson)

21 Days of Dreamwidth

Since I'll be offline for a few days, I should get ahead. )

Side Effect: May Cause FEELINGS

So I have a question for the people out there who are not congenitally depressed.

Sometimes I experience semi-random happiness, where I'm just having a nice day and everything is kinda shiny and it's good to be alive. Sometimes I get enormously ragey over stuff that doesn't seem to merit serious RAEG.

And both of those ~~feelings~~ are pretty obviously tied to my meds (along with an increase in ability to Get Shit Done and a decrease in memory function). My question is: do I finally, after 20 years of being depressed, have a reasonable range of emotions?

Plans

Boston MCR show tomorrow night; I'll be in line during the day. Meeting with [personal profile] tuesdaysgone Friday morning for a ride to PA and another MCR show. Assuming the gods of train schedules smile upon me, I should be back in Boston in time for the SlutWalk. (Fingers crossed I can make all my transit connections.) And then there is the DC concert. Wheeeeeee.
sofiaviolet: pocket watches (steampunk)
  • Pack for Muskrat Jamboree
  • Attend MJ
  • Write capstone paper
  • Create 30-45 minute presentation for music seminar
  • Edit capstone paper
  • Write a few more blog entries for The Networked Society
  • Write two short papers for TNS
  • Write paper for music seminar
  • Possibly make Shiny Thing(s) to try and give to MCR after one of their shows
  • Go and see MCR a bunch of times
  • Remember to take my meds consistently (essential if all of the above is to get done, get done well, and get done on time)

  • And here are a few links for today:
    Read more... )
    sofiaviolet: I am cleverly disguised as a responsible adult. (responsible grown-up person)
    So I mentioned a little while back that I am visiting Cory's parents after Christmas.

    I am totally sending them a card, whenever he gets around to giving me an address. I am also going to send a card to his brother Chris and Chris's girlfriend Kajsa (who was one of Ellie's friends in high school, actually).

    But I also want to get them gifts! Because I do that! !!!! And this is where I turn to you, oh lazyweb...

    Kajsa crochets; I can get her some yarn, y? Or am I projecting my own desire to be gifted with craft supplies? Other people who crochet: what is a reasonable quantity of yarn?

    As for the other three, I am completely lost and I doubt Cory will be any kind of help. What kinds of things are reasonable, non-weird (well, non-excessively-weird) gifts for the parents and siblings of one's partner?

    I get that this is probably a weird and excessive thing to be doing, but. *hands* I had a Thing about the holiday season as a kid - I tried to get stuff for all my cousins, even the ones I wouldn't be seeing (not make my mom get stuff and put my name in the From: field. Pick it out myself, even if she did give me the money to pay for it). It faded for a while, and then a few years ago, the holiday wishlist meme and the people offering to send out cards brought it out again.

    (no subject)

    Friday, July 2nd, 2010 22:57
    sofiaviolet: im in ur history, emphasizin ur poc (emphasizin ur poc)

    Helped four statues and a balloon clown move house yesterday!

    It went pretty well - in spite of having to make two trips, the Uhaul got returned on time. And Ellie came by with the Subaru Wonder Wagon for physical assistance (being a person of greater upper body strength than, say, my puny self), transportation of items smaller than mattresses, and the driving from A to B of the five cats.

    Injuries sustained by me: cardboard rash on my palms and the insides of my arms, two parallel paper cuts on my left wrist, at least three separate bruises on my left knee. And of course my muscles are Not Pleased, but that is why we have pain relievers. Oh, and we dropped a dry sink on my foot heading down the stairs at the old place. Thank god for my boots, because although it hurt at the time, there's no evidence of it today.

    Then I went to work today! Only for the remaining few hours I could earn actual money for, but still. Ow to slinging boxes of documents and photos after that.

    And tonight we had Cid and Jason over for dinner. Alfredo sauce, ravioli, olive oil and bread.

    links )

    :(

    Monday, June 28th, 2010 14:50
    sofiaviolet: candy hearts from a prescription bottle (and the blue ones help me fall)

    Well, internets, I am definitely experiencing a depressive episode that exceeds my medication's ability to compensate. :(

    There are definitely some external components. Not sure if that makes me feel better or worse than Completely Random Brain Fuckery. I am probably experiencing a very extended sort of con drop, because I had 3+ weeks of New Orleans and parents and Doing All Of The Things (research, eating, shopping), 24 hours in Boston in which I had to Do All Of The Other Things (unpack, repack, work most of a day), then the con, and then more parents (they came up to Boston for a week to visit Ellie, so I got a few extra days with them post-con). Nothing to do but go to work, and I'm still part-time until the 5th.

    It is also approaching five years since I was raped. (formulated to be hypo-trigger-genic) )

    I am dwelling on it because I promised to make an item for [livejournal.com profile] shadesong's Blogathon auction (I made three things last year). She always blogs for BARCC, but the theme for this year's items is the strength/resilience of survivors. I have no idea what I'm going to make, and the openness of the theme doesn't actually help (last year, I used [livejournal.com profile] shadesong's fiction for prompts).

    I probably should have made the Blogathon piece while I was in New Orleans. (there are some details here, maybe triggers) )

    So my plan for the rest of the afternoon had been to catch up on my dreamroll, which I have not checked since Friday because spoons, but I think what I will actually do after I post this is play with my boxes of beads and whatnot. See what comes up.

    cheer up, self

    Tuesday, May 11th, 2010 21:23
    sofiaviolet: candy hearts from a prescription bottle (and the blue ones help me fall)
    Daily Song makeups (right-click):
    Veruca Salt - Seether (May 8th)
    The Pipettes - One Night Stand (May 9th)
    Goldfrapp - Slippage (May 10th)

    Daily Song (right-click): The Dollyrots - Because I'm Awesome

    [personal profile] synecdochic: the ghost in the room, or, why modesty is a dirty fucking word

    There are a lot of things I am good at, and a lot of things I do that are awesome. I feel no particular need to list them, and at least a few come up in general blah-blah-this-is-my-life (I am good at my job, for example, and the stuff I do generally isn't done by people with my level of education - there's a reason I call myself an apprentice archivist). I write well. I'm making an effort to contribute to my online community (having - I think - accustomed myself to frequent and at least moderately meaty posts, and having always been pretty zealous about replying to comments, I'm now pushing myself to comment more on other people's stuff).

    As far as I can tell, the main limit right now on my level of kickass-doing-of-things is... depression and the learned procrastination, apathy, and lack of action that go along with a lifetime case of dysthymia.

    blah blah depression not-so-yay )

    Basically, nobody worry! I'm just feeling less happy/content than I think I should be - for no apparent reason, which means it is cyclical brain chemical shenanigans.

    (no subject)

    Tuesday, May 4th, 2010 23:20
    sofiaviolet: a pair of sexy red heels on a hardwood floor (red shoes)
    Daily Song (right-click): Escape the Fate - Cellar Door
    This may have to go on certain of my writing playlists. (Not playlists I listen to while I write, mind you. More like fanmixes I make for myself.)

    Academichic: Dress Your Best Week
    I'd like to participate in that, but IDK whether I'll have the spoons.* I could try picking out my clothes ahead of time and writing the entry in advance, I guess. I've been meaning to assemble fabulous outfits more often (inspired partly by one of my coworkers and partly by the underutilized parts of my closet), but, ugh, effort. This kind of thing is usually the first to get pushed aside.

    When it comes to picking out clothes in advance, there's also the problem of Boston's highly fickle weather. I can't just glance at a forecast and create five outfits for a work-and/or-class-week! I have to have backup outfits: what if it rains, what it it's suddenly and briefly hot or cold, etc?

    * I'm still trying to figure out the extent to which I'm comfortable with conceptualizing my depression as a disability. I often feel like I am too functional to really count. :\

    dreamwidth linkery )

    (no subject)

    Tuesday, April 27th, 2010 23:01
    sofiaviolet: the problem with reality is the lack of background music (background music)
    Daily Song (right-click): Jack Off Jill - When I Am Queen
    One of the first songs I put on the Gwyneira playlist (Gwyneira being one of my characters - she lives in the foreground of my brainchatter and likes to accompany me when I go shopping. She also has the dubious distinction of having been resurrected from suicide by the professor in charge of her floor at Argent University. Number of people who know she was actually dead: 3. Number of people who were in the room when she came back: 3. Number of people who live with her who know this stuff: 0.)

    Link roundup will be delayed. I am writing the essay for my honors seminar, the one on mental illness in popular culture, and it is prodding at the epic 'meh, fuck it, idunwanna' that characterizes my depression. Meaning the essay is going so slowly omfg. (Current plan: write essay until I can no longer think. Set alarm and go to sleep. Finish essay tomorrow. Go to campus, print essay and hand off to professor. Come home and email essay to classmates, as they requested in class.)

    I can also post the paper, or excerpts, if any of you would like to read about the differences in portrayal of mental illness between The Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath's journals, and a biography called Rough Magic.
    sofiaviolet: upside-down crown and text: now panic and freak out (now panic and freak out)
    The one in my icon (IDK if I still have it uploaded on LJ). Even though the panic is over.

    Papers done, printed, gone through TurnItIn. Just have to deliver physical copies to the TAs, which I will do after this class.

    Of course, after that, I have to go to student health! Because I missed my appointment an hour ago! Because I was so busy freaking out about my papers that I forgot it. So, once again, fml. At least this round of "oh, self, fail" is minor and easily fixed.

    And then I'll go to work, because I had to cancel this morning because papers.

    (no subject)

    Friday, April 16th, 2010 11:31
    sofiaviolet: black and white EGL dress from Mary Magdalene (egl)
    Dreamwidth has merch now!

    [site community profile] dw_mobile has been created for the project team working on the mobile version of the site. See also [site community profile] dw_biz for the brainstorming post.

    [personal profile] azurelunatic is running an Emergency Fic Drive to keep [staff profile] denise occupied while she is prevented from typing by a hand injury.

    [personal profile] viklikesfic is hosting an RPF comment fic meme as part of [community profile] three_weeks_for_dw.

    [community profile] factfinding is a place to ask research questions and help other people out. Like [livejournal.com profile] little_details.

    Did my taxes at the last minute. I will probably wind up using most of my return to help Ellie pay our renters' insurance.

    *has a five-day weekend* I have spent today doing nothing productive whatsoever. I think this might be related to my inability to remember my meds over the past few days. /o\

    You should link me to your tumblrs, people.
    sofiaviolet: I am cleverly disguised as a responsible adult. (responsible grown-up person)
    Boston-and-environs: recommend therapists, especially kink-friendly ones!
    sofiaviolet: candy hearts from a prescription bottle (and the blue ones help me fall)
    Adding to yesterday's Follow Friday: [personal profile] synecdochic has just created [community profile] fucking_meds, "because the only thing worse than the fucking drugs is not having the fucking drugs."

    *crazyface*

    Thursday, January 14th, 2010 21:56
    sofiaviolet: candy hearts from a prescription bottle (and now the red ones make me fly)
    I'm supposed to keep a weekly log for my honors seminar, Being "Crazy" in America, in which I record and reflect on stuff about mental health issues that I've stumbled upon (or sought out, but I'll find enough via my reading page). I will be using my journal for this, and you are welcome to comment. Also, I suspect it will be more frequent than 'weekly,' because of how quickly the internet moves.

    Most of the following was written yesterday, around lunchtime.

    tra la la )

    Overwhelmed.

    Wednesday, October 21st, 2009 20:11
    sofiaviolet: upside-down crown and text: now panic and freak out (now panic and freak out)
    *hands*

    I was going to go to a dinner-and-a-lecture by a history professor I had my freshman year, but I procrastinated on getting a ticket, and now it's the day of the event and Ellie is sick (and required a thermometer today. Yesterday it was cough suppressant and cough drops) and I needed to meet [livejournal.com profile] 1001cranes downtown to hand over my ticket for The Used, since I can't go to the show because Ellie and I are leaving for Vermont Friday afternoon, and I'm hanging out with [personal profile] solarcat tomorrow evening (LOTMS whee!), and hopefully taking Ellie shoe shopping tomorrow afternoon, and I still haven't packed for the weekend in Vermont.

    Speaking of Vermont! Ellie and I and two carloads of her friends are going to the Translating Identity Conference. I will probably be offline, but I am taking my laptop in order to maybe do some writing when I run out of cope.
    sofiaviolet: candy hearts from a prescription bottle (and the blue ones help me fall)
    Ask me something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about. Or any sort of question, really.

    I hope to get something relatively substantive up in the next few days, but a quick list:
    * Work continues to be good.
    * I haven't been doing enough writing and it bugs me.
    * I haven't been doing enough anything lately, except for going out, and it bugs me.
    * I know what I'm doing for NaNo (two ideas, actually - focusing on the more heart-wrenchingly miserable one, but will switch to the other one whenever I cannot go on *hands*).
    * I suspect I need to go back up to 250 mg. Maybe even 300, but I'm scared to try that again since my memory was so badly affected last time. We'll see how I do between now and my next appointment.

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